After my initial confession to my wife, I went to counseling for the better part of a year. It was helpful to have some accountability and to start working out some of my other issues that I had carried through my childhood. One item my counselor suggested that I found particularly helpful was choosing and memorizing a few scripture verses. I’ve never been good at memorizing scripture, but with some work, they finally started to sink in.
After my counseling ended, I was doing well, but aside from my wife, I was still alone. We installed a tool on my computer from Covenant Eyes. The company offers both an internet filter and an accountability tool that tracks the sites you’re visiting online and sends a report to a partner of your choice. I went with the accountability tool, and had weekly reports sent to my wife. It’s not really the best choice to make your wife your accountability partner, but if you’ve read parts one and two, you’ll understand why I felt like it was the only option I had.
I work as an independent web contractor, typically from my home, so Covenant Eyes was a big help. It majorly cut down my temptations while working on my computer, knowing that my browsing choices were under scrutiny. After a few months, I started feeling pretty confident and began to think I had found a solid solution to my problems.
Of course, that was some pretty naive thinking. I’m pretty sure smartphones were inspired by Satan himself.
I say that somewhat jokingly, but at the same time… seriously. I had 24/7 access to porn in my pocket all day long. It wasn’t an issue at all, in the beginning. Eventually, I started slipping again, not like I used to — going directly to porn sites for hours on end — but gradually, I’d start seeking out a raunchy YouTube video here or there. I’d look for audio porn, racy podcasts, or erotic literature.
I somehow justified it in my mind because it wasn’t exactly the same as the “porn” that I used to consume. I mean, if it was wholesome enough to be allowed by YouTube, surely it couldn’t be considered porn, right? I lied to myself the whole time. At the time, Covenant Eyes had a smartphone app, but in my opinion, it was ineffective because you had to use their proprietary browser, rather than Chrome, Safari or something else. You could easily just neglect to use their app, and your web travels were completely unmonitored. *This has changed over time. CE now offers full phone monitoring through a VPN. However, functionality is still sketchy — at times, I’ve found that it completely blocks all internet access.
You’ll never defeat porn addiction by playing whack-a-mole. Once you knock it down in one place, it shows up in another. Technology has invaded every aspect of our lives. You can’t escape online temptation, unless you want to be a hermit in the woods somewhere, completely disconnected from the world. But who am I kidding? Even in the depths of a remote forest glade, lustful thoughts will find you.
Still, there is some truth in the exposure factor. The more available porn is to you, the more likely that you will seek it out, or even stumble across it accidentally. In my case, my career is online. Unless I want to flip burgers the rest of my life, I’m pretty much stuck in the web development industry. I can’t realistically get rid of my smartphone, or tablet, or computer. I literally use these tools every day for legitimate work purposes. So what is the solution?
We can talk about things like having a positive attitude, avoiding certain situations, and a lot of other subjects, but if you haven’t figured it out by now: there is no magic bullet for a porn addiction; however, here are a few tools that I’ve found to be helpful.
First, we have the Bible. Going back to my time in counseling, these are a few of the verses I chose to memorize:
- Ephesians 5:3 (NIV) “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.”
- Psalm 119:9-11 (NIV) “How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.”
- Ephesians 6:10-12 (NIV) “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
When I was growing up, I never really took prayer and Bible reading seriously, but I’ve found that they do make a difference. These things alone won’t “cure” a porn problem, but they do help us to remember that God’s standards of purity are far beyond our own. Furthermore, we aren’t just dealing with minor issues here. We are struggling against spiritual forces that we can’t even see!
Another tool we have is accountability. I have found it to be very helpful, but I won’t sugarcoat the fact that it can be extraordinarily painful. Let’s be real though; accountability is completely ineffective if you are unwilling to be honest. It requires that you have a solid accountability partner who understands your struggle, and you need some kind of regular schedule or arrangement to make sure it continues. The point is: accountability is a great thing, but don’t count on it solving all of your problems. (I’ll talk more about my own struggles with accountability in the future.)
The biggest factor for change in my life has come directly from God. In conjunction with the strategies above, I have found that that battling porn is easiest when I am more in touch with Him. When I take time to read, think about, and pray to God on a regular basis, I automatically do better. I’m not talking about a 5-minute devotional on your smartphone while you’re sitting on the toilet. (Yes, I’ve done that too.) I’m talking about dedicated time out of your day. Just as you would make time for a girlfriend (or boyfriend) when dating, or another important person in your life, you should really do the same with God. It doesn’t have to be for hours and hours, and you shouldn’t be hard on yourself when life happens and you miss your “appointment.”
The point is, if you actually make an effort to draw closer to God, He really will draw closer to you. I know it sounds like some pie-in-the-sky concept to some people, but there really does seem to be truth in the concept of “garbage in, garbage out” and the reverse of that idea. When you’re focused on God, holiness, or at least something closer to it, begins to flow out of you. I know this because I’ve experienced it. I guarantee that the more focused you are on Him, the less concerned you will be about porn.
Take precautions and set boundaries. Find accountability. Do everything else you can, but when it comes right down to it, follow Jesus and truly seek Him. If you take it seriously, you’ll find that fighting porn addiction is much easier.
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