Category: My Story

Be Prepared to Fail.

If you’re serious about battling pornography, you’d better make some preparations. As I’ve mentioned before, we can talk for days about triggers, internet filters, accountability, and the mental and emotional states we are in. Yes, those things are vitally important to discuss, but the one topic I think gets pushed to the background is failure.

You might fail. In fact, if pornography and sexual sin have been long-time struggles in your life, you probably will fail. I always prayed that God would just remove my desires for porn and my bent towards lustful thoughts — like I used to hear the old-timers testify about in our conservative congregation when I was little. Something like: “Praise God, I’ve been saved and sanctified and haven’t had a desire to drink or smoke since 1963!”

It seems that, for some people, a miraculous, instantaneous healing from addiction really does occur. It sounds like some switch in their brain is immediately flipped, just like that. I’m sure that God still works that way at times. He’s God, and if He could create the world in six days, then he can certainly cure an addiction instantly.

A Persistent Adversary

Unfortunately, God has not healed me in this way. In fact, I’ve often felt more like Paul with his “thorn in the flesh”:

7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Corinthians 12:7-9 (ESV)

I don’t mean to skew this passage in any way. I am not asserting that Paul’s thorn was a habitual sin, for we have no evidence of that. I’ve heard theories about it being a physical ailment, or even a person in his life. The fact is, we simply do not know what his thorn was. I think that’s exactly the point. Paul’s “thorn” was meant to be vague so that everyone can identify with him on some level. Everyone has that “thing” in their life. Even Paul.

I suppose someone could accuse me of not being sincere enough when I prayed, or maybe I just didn’t ask God in the right way. Maybe I didn’t pray long enough to “reach through to heaven.” What I do know is this: I have shed countless tears in prayer throughout my life asking God to completely remove inappropriate sexual desires and lustful thoughts. I hate this sin. I know it’s hard to understand, the way addicts get sucked in again and again, but I believe that most of them probably despise the thing that enslaves them. Oftentimes, I think it causes us to binge and indulge even further.

I’ve had a great deal of success through confession, counseling, and accountability, but I have also failed, and at times, failed miserably.

Is Failure Final?

I remember several instances when I gave in to porn and masturbation after months of “deliverance” or abstinence. Each time, after the initial failure, I felt absolutely worthless. I had let myself down, I had let God down, and I just knew that I had let my family down, even if they didn’t know about my struggle (girlfriend, spouse, parents — whoever, down through the years). I couldn’t imagine what they would think about me if they knew my struggle. Because of this line of thinking, I would binge and indulge, and fall into depression. I thought something along the lines of, “Well, I’ve already screwed everything up. Why bother even fighting it? I might as well feel good as much as I want to for now, before the self-hatred sets in.” In those days, I gave up trying for months, even years, at a time. What was the point?

Another reason I felt so hopeless and helpless was my theology. When I was young, I was taught that if you sinned, you were immediately separated from God; you completely lost your salvation. [Side note: I’m not here to debate Arminianism vs. Calvinism. Both sides can be taken to extremes.] My impression as I grew up was this: when I failed and sinned, I was no longer a Christian. God was done with me until I could stop sinning, and if I died in the night after an unconfessed porn failure, I would have dropped straight into hell. It was a terrifying, horrible existence.

Let’s be clear: I fully believe that hell is a real place. If you haven’t given your life to Christ, you should be frightened. If your life has exhibited zero spiritual “fruit” since your conversion, then it might be a good idea to re-evaluate your profession of faith!

So what about me? Was I a Christian through all those ups and downs of success and failure over the years? How about recently, when I had another setback? Truthfully, I’m still figuring that out, but I’m starting to believe more and more that, yes, I am still a Christian. Furthermore, I probably have been since my first prayer to accept Jesus as a child.

How can I say this? How could I have been a Christian and sinned so much over the years? For me, the proof is in the “fruit,” or progression of my life. Yes, I have struggled, and I will probably continue to struggle as I get older, but as I look back over my life, I can see a pattern of trying to follow Jesus, and of finding more and more success the further I go. In real time, as I write this, I’m tempted to delete that last sentence, for fear that I should sound proud of myself in any way. Believe me, any Jesus-like qualities that exist in my life have been placed there by Him. I take no credit for anything He has done in me. I’m so grateful for his mercy and grace after all that I’ve done to mess things up.

Is The Holy Spirit Really Inside Me?

Over the years I’ve wondered about the role of the Holy Spirit in my life. He supposedly lives inside all believers, right? Where is He in all of my struggles? Was He, or is He, really there with me? How could he have bore witness to my sin and stayed inside me? Have I ever felt him in my heart?

The older I get, the more I believe that the shame, regret, and hatred I feel toward my sin comes directly from the Holy Spirit, who shows me more of what God is like. The voice or impression inside me, urging me to confess to my wife when I’ve sinned against her — this is the evidence that the Holy Spirit IS in my heart. Some people, might just call it the conscience, but I believe it’s more than that. Let’s put it this way: emotional spiritual highs might be wonderful at a Christian concert, but the crushing conviction of the Holy Spirit is a difficult thing to bear! It’s a weight on your shoulders, and to be honest, I believe that it can even affect us physically at times.

I know this because I have experienced it many times. I can fully sympathize with David in Psalm 32:

3 For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.

Psalm 32:3-4

Uh, no. I didn’t steal another man’s wife and then have him killed like David did. In fact, you might think that I’m taking a little porn way too seriously. I get that. By the world’s standards, the stuff I’ve done is nothing. Don’t get me wrong: I admit it, the stuff I’ve done sounds pretty milk-toast in our culture.

Let me be clear. In the eyes of a Holy God, in whom is no sin; in whom is absolute purity, perfection and righteousness; in the eyes of that God… THE God… ANY sin is a death sentence. On my best day, I will never be holy enough to merit his approval! I can’t even begin to express how highly I think of God, and yet my highest thoughts aren’t high enough. My lame attempts at describing his holiness are utterly pitiful and weak.

I believe that one of the marks of a Christian should be the recognition of the holiness of God. If you realize how entirely filthy and untouchable you are in comparison to His glorious standard, then you will feel the weight of your sin! You can try to ignore this conviction, you can try to drink it away, or inject it away, or yes, even try to masturbate it away and justify how much better you are than everyone else in “society,” but I guarantee that you will know the weight of your sin. And as more of God is revealed to you throughout your life, you’ll begin to see how just how much you need His righteousness — because, on your own, you have none.

Obedience And Grace

But He gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

James 4:6

I am so incredibly thankful for God’s grace. Without it, none of us stand a chance. Yes, I have failed in the past, and may fail again. I pray that will not be the case, but I’m done pretending that I am somehow above failure. I accept the fact that I am human. On my journey through life I’ve been through times of great victory and times of great defeat. Through it all, I can say with confidence that God has been working in me, molding me into something more like him. I’ll never be perfect in this life, but I’m a whole lot further along than when I started years ago.

Don’t get me wrong. God’s grace does not give you or me an excuse to keep on sinning whenever we please, as Paul discusses in Romans 6. However, if you fail, don’t throw out everything that God has done for you! Take comfort in the knowledge that, if you are willing to humble yourself before God, you’ll find that there is an endless supply of grace for your sin.

Moving Forward Isn’t Easy.

Be prepared. The Holy Spirit might ask you to do more than just confess to God. You, like me, might have to confess to your wife or a trusted confidant. You might have to go back and make some things right. If you’re reading this, you might be feeling convicted even now. You know what you need to do. You can feel it in your heart.

Man, I am right there with you. My natural instinct is to hide my sin and keep acting like I’m the perfect guy. I still struggle with pride in this area. Unfortunately, that approach doesn’t solve anything. God, help us. Please don’t let our pride get in the way of obedience to You.

Yes, it will be excruciating. You’ll feel lousy, and you might fear that your spouse, or even God, won’t be able to forgive you, again.

Humble yourself. You might get pretty emotional — I certainly have. It might feel like you’re turning in your precious Man Card for a few minutes. Let me encourage you to press through it. Do it, and be healed. You’ll be amazed at how much more you love God when you experience his grace first hand.

Yes, your spouse will probably be hurt. Why shouldn’t she? In God’s eyes, you’ve been cheating on her, even if you haven’t had some sordid affair. It may take a while to regain her trust, but in the process, she may just gain more respect for you than she had before. The truth is that honesty, humility, and responsibility are very manly qualities — the qualities of a Godly man.

I think you will find that what you thought were total failures might just turn out to be some of the biggest spiritual growth spurts you have ever known.

Playing Whack-A-Mole

After my initial confession to my wife, I went to counseling for the better part of a year.  It was helpful to have some accountability and to start working out some of my other issues that I had carried through my childhood.  One item my counselor suggested that I found particularly helpful was choosing and memorizing a few scripture verses.  I’ve never been good at memorizing scripture, but with some work, they finally started to sink in. 

After my counseling ended, I was doing well, but aside from my wife, I was still alone.  We installed a tool on my computer from Covenant Eyes.  The company offers both an internet filter and an accountability tool that tracks the sites you’re visiting online and sends a report to a partner of your choice.  I went with the accountability tool, and had weekly reports sent to my wife.  It’s not really the best choice to make your wife your accountability partner, but if you’ve read parts one and two, you’ll understand why I felt like it was the only option I had.

I work as an independent web contractor, typically from my home, so Covenant Eyes was a big help.  It majorly cut down my temptations while working on my computer, knowing that my browsing choices were under scrutiny.  After a few months, I started feeling pretty confident and began to think I had found a solid solution to my problems.

Of course, that was some pretty naive thinking.  I’m pretty sure smartphones were inspired by Satan himself.

I say that somewhat jokingly, but at the same time… seriously.  I had 24/7 access to porn in my pocket all day long.  It wasn’t an issue at all, in the beginning.  Eventually, I started slipping again, not like I used to — going directly to porn sites for hours on end — but gradually, I’d start seeking out a raunchy YouTube video here or there.  I’d look for audio porn, racy podcasts, or erotic literature.

I somehow justified it in my mind because it wasn’t exactly the same as the “porn” that I used to consume.  I mean, if it was wholesome enough to be allowed by YouTube, surely it couldn’t be considered porn, right?  I lied to myself the whole time.  At the time, Covenant Eyes had a smartphone app, but in my opinion, it was ineffective because you had to use their proprietary browser, rather than Chrome, Safari or something else.  You could easily just neglect to use their app, and your web travels were completely unmonitored.  *This has changed over time. CE now offers full phone monitoring through a VPN.  However, functionality is still sketchy — at times, I’ve found that it completely blocks all internet access.

You’ll never defeat porn addiction by playing whack-a-mole.  Once you knock it down in one place, it shows up in another.  Technology has invaded every aspect of our lives.  You can’t escape online temptation, unless you want to be a hermit in the woods somewhere, completely disconnected from the world.  But who am I kidding?  Even in the depths of a remote forest glade,  lustful thoughts will find you.

Still, there is some truth in the exposure factor.  The more available porn is to you, the more likely that you will seek it out, or even stumble across it accidentally.  In my case, my career is online.  Unless I want to flip burgers the rest of my life, I’m pretty much stuck in the web development industry.  I can’t realistically get rid of my smartphone, or tablet, or computer.  I literally use these tools every day for legitimate work purposes.  So what is the solution?

We can talk about things like having a positive attitude, avoiding certain situations, and a lot of other subjects, but if you haven’t figured it out by now: there is no magic bullet for a porn addiction; however, here are a few tools that I’ve found to be helpful.

First, we have the Bible.  Going back to my time in counseling, these are a few of the verses I chose to memorize:

  • Ephesians 5:3 (NIV) “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.”
  • Psalm 119:9-11 (NIV) “How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word.  I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.”
  • Ephesians 6:10-12 (NIV) “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

When I was growing up, I never really took prayer and Bible reading seriously, but I’ve found that they do make a difference.  These things alone won’t “cure” a porn problem, but they do help us to remember that God’s standards of purity are far beyond our own.  Furthermore, we aren’t just dealing with minor issues here.  We are struggling against spiritual forces that we can’t even see!

Another tool we have is accountability.   I have found it to be very helpful, but I won’t sugarcoat the fact that it can be extraordinarily painful.  Let’s be real though; accountability is completely ineffective if you are unwilling to be honest.  It requires that you have a solid accountability partner who understands your struggle, and you need some kind of regular schedule or arrangement to make sure it continues.  The point is: accountability is a great thing, but don’t count on it solving all of your problems.  (I’ll talk more about my own struggles with accountability in the future.) 

The biggest factor for change in my life has come directly from God.  In conjunction with the strategies above, I have found that that battling porn is easiest when I am more in touch with Him.  When I take time to read, think about, and pray to God on a regular basis, I automatically do better.  I’m not talking about a 5-minute devotional on your smartphone while you’re sitting on the toilet.  (Yes, I’ve done that too.)  I’m talking about dedicated time out of your day.  Just as you would make time for a girlfriend (or boyfriend) when dating, or another important person in your life, you should really do the same with God.  It doesn’t have to be for hours and hours, and you shouldn’t be hard on yourself when life happens and you miss your “appointment.” 

The point is, if you actually make an effort to draw closer to God, He really will draw closer to you.  I know it sounds like some pie-in-the-sky concept to some people, but there really does seem to be truth in the concept of “garbage in, garbage out” and the reverse of that idea.  When you’re focused on God, holiness, or at least something closer to it, begins to flow out of you.  I know this because I’ve experienced it.  I guarantee that the more focused you are on Him, the less concerned you will be about porn.

Take precautions and set boundaries.  Find accountability.  Do everything else you can, but when it comes right down to it, follow Jesus and truly seek Him.  If you take it seriously, you’ll find that fighting porn addiction is much easier.

Honesty and Confession

This is part two of my story.  If you’re new, start here.

I’ve always been fairly tender-hearted.  In some ways, it’s a negative trait, and in others, it’s a positive one.  As a child, I didn’t always require the same punishment that my siblings did.  Sure, I occasionally got some well-deserved “heat for the seat,” but especially when I was young, if I did something wrong, all it took was a sideways glance from my parents for me to start sobbing sorrowful tears of remorse.  To this day, I am plagued by the need for the approval of others.  I hate letting people down.

Yet in contrast to my soft side, I have always been very adept at hiding things.  Covering your tracks when you’ve made a mistake or lied is a fairly human tendency, and I was well skilled in the art.  The combination of these two personality traits presents an interesting dichotomy in my life.  One half of me desires to live above reproach, to share everything and be an “open book” — upfront and honest all the time.  The other half struggles with deceit.  It tries to keep me from accepting my failures and urges me to conceal them from the light of day.

My perpetual sin and these warring factions of my heart remind me of what the Apostle Paul wrote in Romans 7:19: “For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.” (ESV)  Even though I prayed prayers of repentance over and over again, I struggled with the idea that God would keep forgiving my sins, especially when I knew that I would probably be committing them over again.

While I hated owning up to my flaws, as I reached the dating age, I promised myself that I would be upfront about my issues with any woman with whom I entered a serious relationship.  Amazingly, that’s exactly what I did.  Somehow I knew in my heart that if I was going to marry a woman, she deserved to know what she was in for.  I dated two women pretty seriously (not at the same time), and the second eventually became my wife.  Each time I confessed, it was with an approach of “I used to have a problem with pornography…”.  This wasn’t exactly a lie, but in hindsight, it wasn’t the truth either.  While I was dating, I tried to abstain from porn and remain entirely abstinent.  As previously stated, I was successful for various lengths of time.

This, again, is a perfect example of my two-sided nature.  I wanted to be open and honest with these women, but I concealed the fact that this was a continuing struggle. The confession was fine as long as I framed it as being “in the past,” and in reality, it minimized the problem.  Even so, I don’t want to be too hard on myself here.  While it may have been incomplete, at least it was an attempt at “coming clean.”  I had high hopes that it really was in the past.

Less than a year into my marriage, I started slipping again, and it wasn’t long until I was back in the habit all the time.  Call it the “conscience,” call it God — I consider them the same thing — it eventually prompted me to tell my wife that it wasn’t just a past issue.  The idea physically made me sick.  My heart was literally pounding in the days leading up to my confession, and I couldn’t sleep.  It got so bad that I actually went to the hospital to get checked out.  They couldn’t find anything wrong with my heart.  I firmly believe that God was dealing with me, and I was resisting His command to confess my sin.  It didn’t matter in that moment that I had confessed to Him.  A Christian also needs to make things right with the individual they have sinned against — God first, and others second.

Here are a few things I’ve come to learn about some porn addicts that absolutely astound me:

  • A lot of them, yes, even Christians, don’t believe that they are doing anything wrong.
  • They assume everyone consumes porn, and it is natural.
  • Some think their spouses should accept it and participate as well.
  • They don’t believe there is freedom from the habit.
  • They don’t consider the use of porn to be on the same level as an affair, premarital sex, or any other sexual immorality.

If these views are correct, why should a porn addict bother to tell his/her spouse at all?  I believe that the Bible clearly refutes all of these lies, and I will expound on those further in the future.  Strictly speaking about confession, James 5:16 states, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”  In Proverbs 28:13, the author states “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.”

For me, passages like this were everything.  My perpetual sin was hidden in a shroud of darkness.  I had confessed to God over and over again.  Was God forgiving me?  Sure, the Bible says “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9),  but I also believe that repentance is less about the words you say, and more about the attitude and position of your heart.  Regardless, the point that James was making was that you “confess … that you may be healed.”  As long as I hid my problem, there was no incentive, or power, or help to fix it.  I needed to take ownership of my flaws.  Instead of masquerading as a wonderful, perfect Christian, which I had done nearly all of my life, I needed to admit to my wife that I was a broken, sinful human being, just like everyone one else in the world.

I confessed to my wife, and she listened to me with grace and mercy.  It hurt her deeply, and we both shed countless tears that night.  Sadly, it would not be the last confession to her that I would have to make.  But, it was a start.

She encouraged me to find a counselor that I could talk to.  At first, I was hesitant, but after years of struggling on my own, I started warming up to the idea.  If you read my first post, you know that I didn’t believe there was anyone I could talk to.  My wife helped me find a Christian counselor from another church denomination, in another town.

Counselling didn’t cure me, but it started me down a path toward the healing that I so desperately desired.  While I had taken a big step by confessing to my wife, there was a long road ahead, full of victories and defeats.

I’m a Christian battling for deliverance from pornography. This is my story.

I turned 30 a few weeks ago.   It doesn’t seem like a big number, but it’s been messing with my head.  I’ve been thinking about my life a lot more this year.  Is my job fulfilling me now?  Am I saving enough for retirement?  What will my legacy be?  Will I do anything worthwhile in this world before I’m gone?  Pretty standard stuff, I suppose.  

I’m also questioning whether or not I’ve done anything valuable for the kingdom of God with my time on earth.  I’m not looking to have a ministry or anything, but I’ve begun to feel over the past few years that God is prompting me to share my story in some way.  This blog is the best I can muster up for now.  I don’t even know where to start, but I’m going to give it a shot.

The best-kept secret in my life was my struggle with pornography.   It was the one thing in my life.  You may have a thing too.  It’s that part of you that you wish you could change, the addiction you wish you could beat, the subject you struggle with that saps the joy from your life.  I often thought, “if I could just be rid of this addiction, I could be the best Christian there is.”

I was raised in a Christian family that attended a very conservative church.  In fact, we weren’t just church attendees, we were a family of musicians who traveled far and wide, singing in youth rallies, church camps, Sunday worship services, evening concerts, conventions and so forth.  I’ll get into more of my backstory in the future, but all you really need to know right now is that we were constantly performing in front of other people.  I was in church of course, but we were “ministering to others” from the platform more often than we were “ministered to” ourselves.  I really didn’t develop any relationships with a pastor, Sunday school teacher, youth leader, or even peers my own age.

As I grew, like every other preteen or teenage boy, I was curious about sex.  There weren’t a bunch of dirty magazines laying around the house or anything, but I relished the days when a JCPenny ad came in the newspaper.  Not Sears, only Penny’s — they showed more women in their underwear.  I saved the ads and hid them a few times.

Even though my family traveled nearly every weekend, my siblings and I attended a public school.  My family was probably considered to be a little odd due to our outward appearance and some of the denominational standards we lived by, but on the whole, we were pretty well accepted.

When I hit middle and high school, it was the early 2000’s.  File sharing programs were all the rage, and I began pirating some music here and there like most of my friends.   Amid all the music and media that was at my fingertips, I found porn.  I didn’t have to look for it.  It was literally just there.  It was free, and I was curious.  It didn’t matter what I had been taught or told, I was totally sucked in.

I waited anxiously for days when I might be left at home alone, and then I binged.  I would sneak out to the family computer in the living room late at night after everyone had gone to bed.  I was “good with computers” so I knew more about covering my tracks than my parents did.  We even had an internet filter, but it only affected the browser, not the file-sharing programs.

Don’t think for a moment that I was happy or proud of myself.  I absolutely hated myself.  I had asked Jesus into my heart over and over and over again since I was a little kid.  I went to the altar at church and camp meetings and all kinds of services.  I heard the “hellfire and brimstone” sermons.  I shed tears of sorrow, remorse, and shame.  I was absolutely sincere.  I begged God to take the desires away from me.  Was I even a Christian?  I would watch some porn, act accordingly, then immediately ask God for forgiveness.  I had to make sure things were cool between God and me, just in case I died in my sleep that night, or if Christ returned unexpectedly.   It was a terrifying and exhausting way to live.

Don’t think for a moment that I was happy or proud of myself.  I absolutely hated myself.

This habitual cycle of sinning and apologizing to God went on through college, and it got worse.  I was consuming some pretty twisted stuff, and I had more freedom and opportunity than ever.  I watched porn every chance could get.  The things I watched when I first started weren’t enough to keep me interested.  I was always looking for something else, something more.

Don’t misunderstand me: I continued to fight against the addiction.  A couple months clean here, a few weeks there.  At one point in college, I went for a year and a half completely porn-free.  I wanted to be free — I just didn’t know how to get there!

We didn’t talk about porn at my church.  Porn was one of those taboo subjects that just wasn’t appropriate.  My family started attending a more open-minded church in the early 2000’s, but even there, porn wasn’t something you just started discussing with everybody.

I couldn’t talk to anyone.  I thought my dad would be angry, and I thought my mom would be hurt and disappointed.  Besides, while my father was doing his best as a Christian, he had plenty of his own issues.  There were a lot of behaviors and actions in my home that didn’t seem to be very Christ-like.  If what I saw was all part of the Christianity we were presenting on stage, it sure didn’t jive with what I read in the Bible.  Even so, I felt like I needed to be perfect for the people that came to see us perform.  They needed to believe that the Gospel we were peddling was legitimate.  I can’t explain how debilitating this was for me.  You might be tempted to think, ‘well, it’s just porn… it’s not like you were having some kind of sordid affair. It’s not like you killed anybody’.  You have no idea.  I saw our family as having to be perfect witnesses for God.  In our conservative religious circles, there was no room for pants on women, beards on men, or even short sleeve shirts.  In my mind, there was certainly no room for moral failure.

By the way, if you don’t think admitting that you’re a porn addict to others is a big deal, why don’t you go ahead and make a public statement at your church next Sunday?  Let me know how that works out for you.

What if people found out?  Ok, no, we weren’t exactly Casting Crowns or the Gaither Vocal Band, but we performed for thousands of people every year.  There were a lot of individuals who had a great deal of faith in our integrity.  What would they think if my secret ever got out?  It sounds really ridiculous and absurd to me as I write these things now, but it was such a shameful topic in my early years, I truly believed that if anyone ever found out, it would ruin my reputation and reflect badly on my parents.  Maybe people would stop asking us to perform in their churches.

I didn’t ask for any of this.  I didn’t ask to be put on a pedestal in front of people every weekend.  I never wanted to be a music minister.  We were sharing my dad’s testimony (which is a great story, by the way), but if it had been up to me, I would have stayed home.  We sang all these wonderful songs about God, but I was a fraud.  How could someone so addicted to porn be a Christian?  Would I ever find deliverance?

Continue reading with part two.