Tag: confession

Be Prepared to Fail.

If you’re serious about battling pornography, you’d better make some preparations. As I’ve mentioned before, we can talk for days about triggers, internet filters, accountability, and the mental and emotional states we are in. Yes, those things are vitally important to discuss, but the one topic I think gets pushed to the background is failure.

You might fail. In fact, if pornography and sexual sin have been long-time struggles in your life, you probably will fail. I always prayed that God would just remove my desires for porn and my bent towards lustful thoughts — like I used to hear the old-timers testify about in our conservative congregation when I was little. Something like: “Praise God, I’ve been saved and sanctified and haven’t had a desire to drink or smoke since 1963!”

It seems that, for some people, a miraculous, instantaneous healing from addiction really does occur. It sounds like some switch in their brain is immediately flipped, just like that. I’m sure that God still works that way at times. He’s God, and if He could create the world in six days, then he can certainly cure an addiction instantly.

A Persistent Adversary

Unfortunately, God has not healed me in this way. In fact, I’ve often felt more like Paul with his “thorn in the flesh”:

7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Corinthians 12:7-9 (ESV)

I don’t mean to skew this passage in any way. I am not asserting that Paul’s thorn was a habitual sin, for we have no evidence of that. I’ve heard theories about it being a physical ailment, or even a person in his life. The fact is, we simply do not know what his thorn was. I think that’s exactly the point. Paul’s “thorn” was meant to be vague so that everyone can identify with him on some level. Everyone has that “thing” in their life. Even Paul.

I suppose someone could accuse me of not being sincere enough when I prayed, or maybe I just didn’t ask God in the right way. Maybe I didn’t pray long enough to “reach through to heaven.” What I do know is this: I have shed countless tears in prayer throughout my life asking God to completely remove inappropriate sexual desires and lustful thoughts. I hate this sin. I know it’s hard to understand, the way addicts get sucked in again and again, but I believe that most of them probably despise the thing that enslaves them. Oftentimes, I think it causes us to binge and indulge even further.

I’ve had a great deal of success through confession, counseling, and accountability, but I have also failed, and at times, failed miserably.

Is Failure Final?

I remember several instances when I gave in to porn and masturbation after months of “deliverance” or abstinence. Each time, after the initial failure, I felt absolutely worthless. I had let myself down, I had let God down, and I just knew that I had let my family down, even if they didn’t know about my struggle (girlfriend, spouse, parents — whoever, down through the years). I couldn’t imagine what they would think about me if they knew my struggle. Because of this line of thinking, I would binge and indulge, and fall into depression. I thought something along the lines of, “Well, I’ve already screwed everything up. Why bother even fighting it? I might as well feel good as much as I want to for now, before the self-hatred sets in.” In those days, I gave up trying for months, even years, at a time. What was the point?

Another reason I felt so hopeless and helpless was my theology. When I was young, I was taught that if you sinned, you were immediately separated from God; you completely lost your salvation. [Side note: I’m not here to debate Arminianism vs. Calvinism. Both sides can be taken to extremes.] My impression as I grew up was this: when I failed and sinned, I was no longer a Christian. God was done with me until I could stop sinning, and if I died in the night after an unconfessed porn failure, I would have dropped straight into hell. It was a terrifying, horrible existence.

Let’s be clear: I fully believe that hell is a real place. If you haven’t given your life to Christ, you should be frightened. If your life has exhibited zero spiritual “fruit” since your conversion, then it might be a good idea to re-evaluate your profession of faith!

So what about me? Was I a Christian through all those ups and downs of success and failure over the years? How about recently, when I had another setback? Truthfully, I’m still figuring that out, but I’m starting to believe more and more that, yes, I am still a Christian. Furthermore, I probably have been since my first prayer to accept Jesus as a child.

How can I say this? How could I have been a Christian and sinned so much over the years? For me, the proof is in the “fruit,” or progression of my life. Yes, I have struggled, and I will probably continue to struggle as I get older, but as I look back over my life, I can see a pattern of trying to follow Jesus, and of finding more and more success the further I go. In real time, as I write this, I’m tempted to delete that last sentence, for fear that I should sound proud of myself in any way. Believe me, any Jesus-like qualities that exist in my life have been placed there by Him. I take no credit for anything He has done in me. I’m so grateful for his mercy and grace after all that I’ve done to mess things up.

Is The Holy Spirit Really Inside Me?

Over the years I’ve wondered about the role of the Holy Spirit in my life. He supposedly lives inside all believers, right? Where is He in all of my struggles? Was He, or is He, really there with me? How could he have bore witness to my sin and stayed inside me? Have I ever felt him in my heart?

The older I get, the more I believe that the shame, regret, and hatred I feel toward my sin comes directly from the Holy Spirit, who shows me more of what God is like. The voice or impression inside me, urging me to confess to my wife when I’ve sinned against her — this is the evidence that the Holy Spirit IS in my heart. Some people, might just call it the conscience, but I believe it’s more than that. Let’s put it this way: emotional spiritual highs might be wonderful at a Christian concert, but the crushing conviction of the Holy Spirit is a difficult thing to bear! It’s a weight on your shoulders, and to be honest, I believe that it can even affect us physically at times.

I know this because I have experienced it many times. I can fully sympathize with David in Psalm 32:

3 For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.

Psalm 32:3-4

Uh, no. I didn’t steal another man’s wife and then have him killed like David did. In fact, you might think that I’m taking a little porn way too seriously. I get that. By the world’s standards, the stuff I’ve done is nothing. Don’t get me wrong: I admit it, the stuff I’ve done sounds pretty milk-toast in our culture.

Let me be clear. In the eyes of a Holy God, in whom is no sin; in whom is absolute purity, perfection and righteousness; in the eyes of that God… THE God… ANY sin is a death sentence. On my best day, I will never be holy enough to merit his approval! I can’t even begin to express how highly I think of God, and yet my highest thoughts aren’t high enough. My lame attempts at describing his holiness are utterly pitiful and weak.

I believe that one of the marks of a Christian should be the recognition of the holiness of God. If you realize how entirely filthy and untouchable you are in comparison to His glorious standard, then you will feel the weight of your sin! You can try to ignore this conviction, you can try to drink it away, or inject it away, or yes, even try to masturbate it away and justify how much better you are than everyone else in “society,” but I guarantee that you will know the weight of your sin. And as more of God is revealed to you throughout your life, you’ll begin to see how just how much you need His righteousness — because, on your own, you have none.

Obedience And Grace

But He gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

James 4:6

I am so incredibly thankful for God’s grace. Without it, none of us stand a chance. Yes, I have failed in the past, and may fail again. I pray that will not be the case, but I’m done pretending that I am somehow above failure. I accept the fact that I am human. On my journey through life I’ve been through times of great victory and times of great defeat. Through it all, I can say with confidence that God has been working in me, molding me into something more like him. I’ll never be perfect in this life, but I’m a whole lot further along than when I started years ago.

Don’t get me wrong. God’s grace does not give you or me an excuse to keep on sinning whenever we please, as Paul discusses in Romans 6. However, if you fail, don’t throw out everything that God has done for you! Take comfort in the knowledge that, if you are willing to humble yourself before God, you’ll find that there is an endless supply of grace for your sin.

Moving Forward Isn’t Easy.

Be prepared. The Holy Spirit might ask you to do more than just confess to God. You, like me, might have to confess to your wife or a trusted confidant. You might have to go back and make some things right. If you’re reading this, you might be feeling convicted even now. You know what you need to do. You can feel it in your heart.

Man, I am right there with you. My natural instinct is to hide my sin and keep acting like I’m the perfect guy. I still struggle with pride in this area. Unfortunately, that approach doesn’t solve anything. God, help us. Please don’t let our pride get in the way of obedience to You.

Yes, it will be excruciating. You’ll feel lousy, and you might fear that your spouse, or even God, won’t be able to forgive you, again.

Humble yourself. You might get pretty emotional — I certainly have. It might feel like you’re turning in your precious Man Card for a few minutes. Let me encourage you to press through it. Do it, and be healed. You’ll be amazed at how much more you love God when you experience his grace first hand.

Yes, your spouse will probably be hurt. Why shouldn’t she? In God’s eyes, you’ve been cheating on her, even if you haven’t had some sordid affair. It may take a while to regain her trust, but in the process, she may just gain more respect for you than she had before. The truth is that honesty, humility, and responsibility are very manly qualities — the qualities of a Godly man.

I think you will find that what you thought were total failures might just turn out to be some of the biggest spiritual growth spurts you have ever known.

Honesty and Confession

This is part two of my story.  If you’re new, start here.

I’ve always been fairly tender-hearted.  In some ways, it’s a negative trait, and in others, it’s a positive one.  As a child, I didn’t always require the same punishment that my siblings did.  Sure, I occasionally got some well-deserved “heat for the seat,” but especially when I was young, if I did something wrong, all it took was a sideways glance from my parents for me to start sobbing sorrowful tears of remorse.  To this day, I am plagued by the need for the approval of others.  I hate letting people down.

Yet in contrast to my soft side, I have always been very adept at hiding things.  Covering your tracks when you’ve made a mistake or lied is a fairly human tendency, and I was well skilled in the art.  The combination of these two personality traits presents an interesting dichotomy in my life.  One half of me desires to live above reproach, to share everything and be an “open book” — upfront and honest all the time.  The other half struggles with deceit.  It tries to keep me from accepting my failures and urges me to conceal them from the light of day.

My perpetual sin and these warring factions of my heart remind me of what the Apostle Paul wrote in Romans 7:19: “For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.” (ESV)  Even though I prayed prayers of repentance over and over again, I struggled with the idea that God would keep forgiving my sins, especially when I knew that I would probably be committing them over again.

While I hated owning up to my flaws, as I reached the dating age, I promised myself that I would be upfront about my issues with any woman with whom I entered a serious relationship.  Amazingly, that’s exactly what I did.  Somehow I knew in my heart that if I was going to marry a woman, she deserved to know what she was in for.  I dated two women pretty seriously (not at the same time), and the second eventually became my wife.  Each time I confessed, it was with an approach of “I used to have a problem with pornography…”.  This wasn’t exactly a lie, but in hindsight, it wasn’t the truth either.  While I was dating, I tried to abstain from porn and remain entirely abstinent.  As previously stated, I was successful for various lengths of time.

This, again, is a perfect example of my two-sided nature.  I wanted to be open and honest with these women, but I concealed the fact that this was a continuing struggle. The confession was fine as long as I framed it as being “in the past,” and in reality, it minimized the problem.  Even so, I don’t want to be too hard on myself here.  While it may have been incomplete, at least it was an attempt at “coming clean.”  I had high hopes that it really was in the past.

Less than a year into my marriage, I started slipping again, and it wasn’t long until I was back in the habit all the time.  Call it the “conscience,” call it God — I consider them the same thing — it eventually prompted me to tell my wife that it wasn’t just a past issue.  The idea physically made me sick.  My heart was literally pounding in the days leading up to my confession, and I couldn’t sleep.  It got so bad that I actually went to the hospital to get checked out.  They couldn’t find anything wrong with my heart.  I firmly believe that God was dealing with me, and I was resisting His command to confess my sin.  It didn’t matter in that moment that I had confessed to Him.  A Christian also needs to make things right with the individual they have sinned against — God first, and others second.

Here are a few things I’ve come to learn about some porn addicts that absolutely astound me:

  • A lot of them, yes, even Christians, don’t believe that they are doing anything wrong.
  • They assume everyone consumes porn, and it is natural.
  • Some think their spouses should accept it and participate as well.
  • They don’t believe there is freedom from the habit.
  • They don’t consider the use of porn to be on the same level as an affair, premarital sex, or any other sexual immorality.

If these views are correct, why should a porn addict bother to tell his/her spouse at all?  I believe that the Bible clearly refutes all of these lies, and I will expound on those further in the future.  Strictly speaking about confession, James 5:16 states, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”  In Proverbs 28:13, the author states “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.”

For me, passages like this were everything.  My perpetual sin was hidden in a shroud of darkness.  I had confessed to God over and over again.  Was God forgiving me?  Sure, the Bible says “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9),  but I also believe that repentance is less about the words you say, and more about the attitude and position of your heart.  Regardless, the point that James was making was that you “confess … that you may be healed.”  As long as I hid my problem, there was no incentive, or power, or help to fix it.  I needed to take ownership of my flaws.  Instead of masquerading as a wonderful, perfect Christian, which I had done nearly all of my life, I needed to admit to my wife that I was a broken, sinful human being, just like everyone one else in the world.

I confessed to my wife, and she listened to me with grace and mercy.  It hurt her deeply, and we both shed countless tears that night.  Sadly, it would not be the last confession to her that I would have to make.  But, it was a start.

She encouraged me to find a counselor that I could talk to.  At first, I was hesitant, but after years of struggling on my own, I started warming up to the idea.  If you read my first post, you know that I didn’t believe there was anyone I could talk to.  My wife helped me find a Christian counselor from another church denomination, in another town.

Counselling didn’t cure me, but it started me down a path toward the healing that I so desperately desired.  While I had taken a big step by confessing to my wife, there was a long road ahead, full of victories and defeats.