This is part two of my story. If you’re new, start here.
I’ve always been fairly tender-hearted. In some ways, it’s a negative trait, and in others, it’s a positive one. As a child, I didn’t always require the same punishment that my siblings did. Sure, I occasionally got some well-deserved “heat for the seat,” but especially when I was young, if I did something wrong, all it took was a sideways glance from my parents for me to start sobbing sorrowful tears of remorse. To this day, I am plagued by the need for the approval of others. I hate letting people down.
Yet in contrast to my soft side, I have always been very adept at hiding things. Covering your tracks when you’ve made a mistake or lied is a fairly human tendency, and I was well skilled in the art. The combination of these two personality traits presents an interesting dichotomy in my life. One half of me desires to live above reproach, to share everything and be an “open book” — upfront and honest all the time. The other half struggles with deceit. It tries to keep me from accepting my failures and urges me to conceal them from the light of day.
My perpetual sin and these warring factions of my heart remind me of what the Apostle Paul wrote in Romans 7:19: “For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.” (ESV) Even though I prayed prayers of repentance over and over again, I struggled with the idea that God would keep forgiving my sins, especially when I knew that I would probably be committing them over again.
While I hated owning up to my flaws, as I reached the dating age, I promised myself that I would be upfront about my issues with any woman with whom I entered a serious relationship. Amazingly, that’s exactly what I did. Somehow I knew in my heart that if I was going to marry a woman, she deserved to know what she was in for. I dated two women pretty seriously (not at the same time), and the second eventually became my wife. Each time I confessed, it was with an approach of “I used to have a problem with pornography…”. This wasn’t exactly a lie, but in hindsight, it wasn’t the truth either. While I was dating, I tried to abstain from porn and remain entirely abstinent. As previously stated, I was successful for various lengths of time.
This, again, is a perfect example of my two-sided nature. I wanted to be open and honest with these women, but I concealed the fact that this was a continuing struggle. The confession was fine as long as I framed it as being “in the past,” and in reality, it minimized the problem. Even so, I don’t want to be too hard on myself here. While it may have been incomplete, at least it was an attempt at “coming clean.” I had high hopes that it really was in the past.
Less than a year into my marriage, I started slipping again, and it wasn’t long until I was back in the habit all the time. Call it the “conscience,” call it God — I consider them the same thing — it eventually prompted me to tell my wife that it wasn’t just a past issue. The idea physically made me sick. My heart was literally pounding in the days leading up to my confession, and I couldn’t sleep. It got so bad that I actually went to the hospital to get checked out. They couldn’t find anything wrong with my heart. I firmly believe that God was dealing with me, and I was resisting His command to confess my sin. It didn’t matter in that moment that I had confessed to Him. A Christian also needs to make things right with the individual they have sinned against — God first, and others second.
Here are a few things I’ve come to learn about some porn addicts that absolutely astound me:
- A lot of them, yes, even Christians, don’t believe that they are doing anything wrong.
- They assume everyone consumes porn, and it is natural.
- Some think their spouses should accept it and participate as well.
- They don’t believe there is freedom from the habit.
- They don’t consider the use of porn to be on the same level as an affair, premarital sex, or any other sexual immorality.
If these views are correct, why should a porn addict bother to tell his/her spouse at all? I believe that the Bible clearly refutes all of these lies, and I will expound on those further in the future. Strictly speaking about confession, James 5:16 states, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” In Proverbs 28:13, the author states “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy.”
For me, passages like this were everything. My perpetual sin was hidden in a shroud of darkness. I had confessed to God over and over again. Was God forgiving me? Sure, the Bible says “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9), but I also believe that repentance is less about the words you say, and more about the attitude and position of your heart. Regardless, the point that James was making was that you “confess … that you may be healed.” As long as I hid my problem, there was no incentive, or power, or help to fix it. I needed to take ownership of my flaws. Instead of masquerading as a wonderful, perfect Christian, which I had done nearly all of my life, I needed to admit to my wife that I was a broken, sinful human being, just like everyone one else in the world.
I confessed to my wife, and she listened to me with grace and mercy. It hurt her deeply, and we both shed countless tears that night. Sadly, it would not be the last confession to her that I would have to make. But, it was a start.
She encouraged me to find a counselor that I could talk to. At first, I was hesitant, but after years of struggling on my own, I started warming up to the idea. If you read my first post, you know that I didn’t believe there was anyone I could talk to. My wife helped me find a Christian counselor from another church denomination, in another town.
Counselling didn’t cure me, but it started me down a path toward the healing that I so desperately desired. While I had taken a big step by confessing to my wife, there was a long road ahead, full of victories and defeats.